Hey Kate,
Remember that up and coming young actress who burst right out of the gates with so much promise and an Academy Award nomination for Cameron Crowe’s ALMOST FAMOUS?
Yeah, I know, it’s hard to remember, but that was actually you. What the heck happened?
You’ve still got spunk, you’re still adorable, but it seems like you’re pretty intent on running your career into the ground by pigeonholing yourself into the same roles, in the same trite films. I mean you’re staring in the awful looking MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL. Have you seen the trailer? Heck, have you read the script? I mean, it stars Dane Cook and Jason Biggs. No offense, but outside of starring in a Rob Schneider film, I’m not sure it gets worse than that.
Read the rest of this entry »
Dear WB and DC,
I just read today that after years of fumbling your comic properties you’ve finally decided to get your shit together and hold a summit to figure out what the heck to do with your superheroes. It’s an admirable plan even if it’s painfully obviously that you guys are only scrambling now to get a game plan going because Marvel is kicking your ass on a whole new level (thanks to IRON MAN and THE INCREDIBLE HULK) and has their next few years of movies all worked out on an epic scale. It just makes you look incompetent and lazy, especially since only recently Marvel has started self-financing its projects and retained rights to their products, while you’ve had that luxury for a while now. But okay, there’s no sense in crying over spoiled milk. What’s done is done and what matters now is what you do next, hence the summit. In the spirit of that, I thought I’d offer some humble comments and suggestions that might aid you and your meeting.
First off, figure out what’s worth turning into a film. I hate to say it, but you guys face somewhat of a challenge in that (despite my affections for DC characters) Marvel has a deeper well of characters that are cooler and more recognizable than yours. Yes, you guys have Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman and Flash. Some might even know Green Arrow and Green Lantern. Since Batman and Superman have been done already though, that doesn’t leave you a whole lot. That means you’re going to have to dig deeper into lesser known DC characters. Make sure they are characters worthy of a film, and that could headline a good, exciting, and fun film. The non-comic lay man was mostly unfamiliar with IRON MAN, and yet the potential was there, and was realized. Result? Massive success thanks to good marketing and a good product.
Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Mr. Lucas,
With INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL coming closer, I know this plea might be a little bit late given that production is done and all, but I feel I need to get it off my chest regardless.
You better not have screwed this up.
Though I enjoyed the original STAR WARS trilogy, I loved the INDIANA JONES films. I’ve seen RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and INDIANA JONES AND THE LAST CRUSADE something like over 100 times combined. To me they are not just films, but experiences, ones that turned me into a little child again, full of excitement and dumbfounded awe as I watched. It’s a feeling that seeing the first teaser trailer for INDY 4 gave me again as the Indy theme swelled up as I watched his silhouette appear. I felt drunk on sheer anticipation and excitement.
Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Mr. Diesel,
I came across these pictures of you today, and I’ve come to realize something. I miss you.
Maybe that’s not a sentiment I should be expressing so openly to someone who played hyper-masculine action heroes, but it doesn’t make it any less true. How could I not miss you? For a while, it seemed like you were a constant presence in my life. You showed both humanity and tragedy in SAVING PRIVATE RYAN. You’re raspy – sometimes unintelligible – guttural voice still found ways to warm my heart in THE IRON GIANT. You intrigued me with how you played alluring rogues in both PITCH BLACK and THE FAST AND THE FURIOUS. But then something happened. XXX seemed like an ideal life decision for you, even if the end results was maybe not superb. Except after that, something happened. Though I liked CHRONICLES OF RIDDICK, others didn’t. But when I expected you to keep going, to show people you didn’t care, it seemed like you gave up (THE PACIFIER, FIND ME GUILTY).
Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Audience Members,
Seriously, stop. Whoever you are, you need to quit watching films like SCARY MOVIE, DATE MOVIE, EPIC MOVIE, and MEET THE SPARTANS. Why? Because you’re only encouraging the continual production of some of the worst movies ever made that are not only (much to my horror) becoming a genre, but a yearly staple in multiplexes. Now Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are making another one, this time tackling SUPERBAD mostly, with additional pot-shots at HANCOCK, THE LOVE GURU, and SEX AND THE CITY. Yes, the filmmakers now have not only extended their gag repertoire from making fun of films that have nothing to do with the genre they are spoofing (why was BORAT and NACHO LIBRE mocked in EPIC MOVIE?), to making fun of movies that nobody has even seen yet.
I’d like to blame them or the studios for this kind of crap. But really, it’s no one else’s fault but yours. Whether you’re actually seeing these in theatres, or renting them on DVD, you are allowing these films to make enough money for these people to make films entirely devoid of intelligence, and with humor that even a twelve year old would be hard pressed to find funny. These movies very existence is an affront to all cinema and filmmaking, and it needs to stop.
You are the only ones who can stop it. So please, for the sake of the rest of us, make it stop.
Dear Wolfgang,
Pardon my familiarity, but given that we are fellow countrymen, I thought it would be okay. In the spirit of German efficiency then, let me get right to the point: You need to rethink the films you choose to direct. Now, I know you enjoy spectacle, and there’s nothing wrong with that. For example, the project you just joined, UPRISING, which revolves around the “resistance efforts of some citizens after Earth has been occupied by a powerful alien race” sounds perfectly fine. You’re not like our other countryman, Roland Emmerich. Though you both share an affinity for spectacle, you’ve actually proven yourself to be much more competent in handling it than he.
The thing is, one is hard-pressed to remember that fact given your last few film attempts. THE PERFECT STORM was lackluster. TROY, though popular with many, was like a massive Berliner with no filling inside. POSEIDON was … well, POSEIDON. None of those were quality projects.
Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Mr. Ferrell,
Before I say anything, I do want to emphasize that I mean only the best. My words are not meant to cut. Given the underperformance of your most recent film, SEMI-PRO, at the box office this past weekend, my intentions are not to kick you while you’re down. If anything, it’s to attempt to pick you up off the ground, brush you off, pat you gently on your butt, and send you on your way in a direction that doesn’t end up with you running into a wall.
So let me cut right to the chase: you need to stop making sports movies. After KICKING & SCREAMING, TALLADEGA NIGHTS, BLADES OF GLORY, and now SEMI-PRO, enough is enough. Heck, I might even suggest you steer clear of films that rest solely on making fun particular professions, whether they be sports-related or not (i.e. ZOOLANDER, BEWITCHED, and ANCHORMAN). It’s not that you’re not funny in them, or that they are horribly bad, it’s just that you’ve proven you can do more, and we all know (from your SNL days) that you’re more versatile than this. Also, you tell a good joke too many times, eventually (and inevitably) it stops being funny.
Read the rest of this entry »
Dear Mr. Johnson (or Mr. Rock, whichever you prefer),
Though I sometimes get teased for it, I’ve long been an enjoyer of your work. Yes, even including THE SCORPION KING, but not so much the WWE stuff (not my thing). I find you to be a charming son-of-a-gun, and find that you have a very natural screen presence that makes watching you up there always an enjoyable experience. In fact, your presence has saved otherwise mediocre films such as WALKING TALL, DOOM, BE COOL, and, well, SCORPION KING, and left me still saying, “Heck, I was entertained!”
Given your build and ability to carry a good quip (a la Schwarzenegger who famously passed the torch to you in THE RUNDOWN) you are naturally well-suited for action films/buddy pictures. However, it seems ever since you proved your comedic chops and willingness to make fun of yourself by prancing around as a flamboyantly gay man in BE COOL (and frankly, you were the only good thing about that film), all you want to do is comedies. Don’t get me wrong, you’re a funny guy, but it’d be nice to get more out of you than just GET SMART and PLANET 51.
Even worse, it seems like you’re also going the Eddie Murphy/Tim Allen route and starting to make too mainly family friendly movies. Though THE GAME PLAN was cute, you’ve got another Disney remake in the works (RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN), and it was just announced that you’re starring in a film called THE TOOTH FAIRY where you will apparently play a guy who has to save the tooth fairy kingdom. I mean, really? You used to fake beating up people for a living! I understand wanting a career or image change, but this is a bit much.
Read the rest of this entry »
Loading ...
