The REEL Addict 

Given the time of year and all the crazies out there, I thought it might be a good idea to help everyone out and pass on some things I’ve learned from horror movies on how to survive the night if your Halloween evening turns into one hosted by Mike Myers.  

Needless to say, this is all for our own good and survival. So if anyone has further tips on how to survive being murderously stalked by a crazy killer, please share below.

1. Don’t live in the middle of nowhere, spend the night/weekends at a cabin, or go on road trips that take you through desolated, impoverished areas.

2. Make sure your cell phone is fully charged, has a provider that enables reception almost anywhere, and is buried deep in your pockets at all times.

3. Make sure you either own a gun (especially a shotgun), or own lots of pointy lethal things – most of all, massive and sharp knives.

4. If you ever see anyone wearing any sort of mask (even if it’s a Disney Princess or Winnie the Pooh), call the police, punch them in their privates (the mask wearer, not the police), or run like hell. Better yet, do all of the above. If it turns out it was your friend, well, they have to learn the world is a dangerous place at some point. (Besides, what grown adult wears Disney masks?)

5. If somebody is motionlessly lingering outside your house, knocking insistently on your door (walls, window), or asking for someone who doesn’t live there and/or telling you things about yourself that a stranger shouldn’t know, call the police right away. Better to find out it was your drunken Uncle showing up six months too late for your birthday, then it turn out to be a killer who is going to terrorize and murder you for the rest of the night.

6. Under no circumstances should you ever (ever) move towards creepy noises to check them out. You were given that survival instinct for a reason. When it’s telling you “Something is wrong here,” the appropriate response to that thought is not “I should go check it out as slowly as I possibly can.”

7. The moment somebody cuts the electricity or phone lines, run like hell out of the house. Chances are because they just did it, they’re busy enough elsewhere that you’ll get away.

8. If none of the above works – or you didn’t bother to follow my advice – and you do find yourself hunted by a vicious, knife-wielding killer within your own home, find a weapon (preferably a gun), find a corner, and stay there. Unless your stalker has a gun (and really, what self-respecting masked killer does?), this is the best way to defend yourself. What’s more, because you’re not giving them a chase, they might very well get bored and leave.

9. When stepping into a hallway, remember your childhood lesson: look both ways before crossing. Even better, take whatever weapon you have, and randomly swing it around in the hallway before you step out of the room. That will take care of the killer inevitably waiting to pounce on you.

10. Never turn your back on anything. Hug the wall with your back and walk/crawl along that way. The only exception to this rule is if you get to doors. There is a good chance they are behind it and will stab you through the door into your back.

11. Closets are good for “seven minutes in heaven,” but not for hiding from killers. Same goes for upstairs bedrooms, or the spaces underneath the beds. Even masked murderers remember “hide and seek” from their (probably traumatic) childhoods.

12. If you’re thinking about making a dash to freedom, think twice about your strategy. If you’re being terrorized by a killer, chances are they’ve probably figured out you might make a run for help and are probably prepared for that eventuality.

13. Never, ever, leave your loved one behind to get help, or sacrifice yourself and tell them to make a run for it while you distract the killer. There’s either an accomplice waiting to take care of both of you, or the loved one running will only fall and inevitably break their leg or sprain their ankle.

14. Should you get trapped or captured by the killer, don’t ask them why they’re doing this. They either won’t tell you, or if they do, you’ll probably realize that you didn’t really want to know anyway.

15. If you are making good headway, are engaged in a full-out battle with the killer and get a good blow in, and your wannabe killer ends up on the floor seemingly unconscious or dead? Stab/shoot him a few times more, because believe me, he/she wasn’t dead yet.